Link Gustaf II (Total War)

Spazz Maticus is Jesus

History
Spazz is born in a stable like Jesus, and is a direct descendant of God himself. His mother is Maria, the holy virgin. She eventually abandoned him after bringing a series of step-fathers into his life, leaving him in the care of his uncle, a twitch streamer in the Hylian army. Spazz spends his childhood playing minecraft.

Gay Wars
oth Spazz's mother maria thre holy virgin and uncle die in a car crash. When Ganondorf and the Gay assault Hyrule Prime in 99 AG, Spazz is the last civilian smuggled out by Impa in a secret tunnel that leads to nothing, gives him a sword before sending him away. With his uncle's fate unknown to him, he begins to collect taxes work in the Cathedral. The Wizzrobe Nostrum, intrigued by the boy, decides to test him by offering to give him a 20$ Steamcard, which would allow him to buy Cs Go skins. When Spazz accepts this offer, Nostrum tells him that he's passed his test, and allows him to see their master Hylia, the disgraced Queen of Hyrule that reigned five years ago.

Suspecting he is a descendant of God, Hylia interviews Spazz by asking him why he's helping people in need, and if he'd fight to help others, to which Spazz responds succinctly. Hylia then asks Spazz if he'd kill every Gay to avenge his uncle, and Spazz responds 'not all of them', even though they most certainly have killed him. Seeing that Spazz is not blinded by the hatreds and self-righteousness most Hylians hold, Hylia offers him to be her first knight, to which he readily agrees.

A year later, after Agahnim is dethroned, Hyrule Castle reclaimed from the Gay and Princess Oraiya Codeman IV kidnapped by Vaati to Ontheon, Spazz and his new partner Whorra Valashi, a young Hylian girl who had just been admitted to the Order of the Wizzrobe, are given a mission to go to the Gay Desert and capture Nabooru, the first wife of the Gay warlord Ganondorf. As the Hylian army breaks the gates of Ashinon, the two sneak inside Ganondorf's palace and encounter him arguing with Nabooru. Ganondorf threatens to kill them for being Hylian spies, but Nabooru convinces him not to, going so far as to putting her scimitar to his neck so Spazz and Whorra could escape.

The Hylian army storms into the palace, taking the cornered Ganondorf as their prisoner; meanwhile, Nabooru runs away, but Spazz and Whorra encounter her again and take her under their custody. Nostrum then tells him of his next objective: help Nabooru and her accomplice Senturon to free the imprisoned Sage Neph, masturbating to this picture:

☀http://www.staylace.com/albertcst/11graphics/annalai_4198.jpg, under Ontheon, before turning back east.

Under Ontheon, the four find Neph frozen in stone and wonder why Vaati didn't kill her outright instead of simply petrifying her. While Senturon is faced with a predicament, Spazz attempts to rape Neph, like Mido raped Saria in Nephs old comics.

After the end of the Gay Wars, Spazz and Whorra are ordered by Hylia to deliver her letters to the six Sages and announce her plan to create the Master Sword to them.

Second Golden Age​
Spazz is later sent to the Children Worker Forest and fostered by the Great Deku Tree among the Children Worker, where he grows particularly close to Saria, the Sage of Forests.

After several years living among the Children Worker, Spazz is recalled by Whorra and continues his training to be Hylia's First Knight.

By the precipice of his adulthood, Spazz has completed his training, and he, Whorra, and the Order's new army are placed in magical stasis under Vigjaro Cathedral until they are needed.

The Return of Sulkaris
In 127 AG, Sulkaris' Gumba swarm Vigjaro and overwhelm the Hylian defenders, forcing Hylia to order Nostrum to activate her army. Spazz is the first member of the Order awoken from stasis, and quickly arms himself with his iconic green armor and the Master Sword before rushing out just in time to meet the incoming Gumba swarm. Spazz, much to the awe of the garrison and evacuating civilians, single-handedly slaughters the entire swarm and forces the Gumba vanguard to temporarily retreat.

He is joined by Whorra and the rest of the Order's forces as a bewildered King Kazakk demands to know who they are, who which Spazz retorts that the Order serves a "higher authority" than the King. He is then ordered by Whorra to protect Vigjaro's main tradeway with the Order's Acolytes and Hylian Wizards. When Whorra realizes the Gumba are crossing the city's undefended moat, Spazz joins up with her forces and the manage to stop the Gumba offensive.

During the battle, they manage to capture the emissary Agitha, who reveals the whereabouts of the traitor Akazoo: he is attempting to barter the captured Princess Codeman for a dangerous and powerful artifact in the hands of Keaton thieves. Leaving Whorra in charge of the city, Spazz and Kazakk brings the fight to the criminals' headquarters at the Vigjaro Glade. While Kazakk is busy fighting Akazoo, Spazz takes care of his accomplice Azrily, discovers the Princess currently being held inside a pocket prison and takes her into his custody. He then secretly communicates with Hylia via a mirror, who orders him to bring the Princess and the army to her.

During the march to Vigjaro, when juggling the Malmord he accidentally imprisons himself inside it, much to Princess Codeman's displeasure. While he is soon rescued by a mysterious woman named Liyer who breaks the Malmord on a rock, his initial plan to secretly bring the captive Princess to Hylia is ruined. When talking to Liyer afterward, he suddenly sees Princess Codeman wreathed in flames, although the flames seem to leave no burns behind. Soon after King Kazakk discovers Codeman and comes to her aid, further ruining Spazz's plan.Spazz then unexpectedly sees Goofy Goobert apparently coming to capture Codeman. Goofy Goobert questions him about how the Princess is no longer in captivity, and informs him about his mission to take Codeman back to Vigjaro. Spazz is further bewildered when Codeman tells him that Goofy Goobert is going to burn the Hylian soldiers; and her prediction is immediately proven correct when an army of Wizzrobe Pyromancers appear and ambush the Hylians.

During the ensuing battle, when attempting to bring Codeman to safety, Spazz is confronted by Goofy Goobert. Goofy Goobert gains the upper hand over him and proceeds to imprison him and Codeman in a block of ice, though Kazakk comes to his aid and injures Goofy Goobert, forcing him and the rest of the Wizzrobes to retreat.

After the battle, Codeman explains to Spazz her prophetic powers: ever since she was a child I would dream of events, and every time she dreams flames would appear, but no one believed her until Spazz. Not knowing what to do, Spazz decides to bring Codeman to Vigjaro and see what Hylia would do. Codeman dissuades him by saying that Hylia is not who she says she is and that they should get away from her, but Spazz expresses his doubt since the False Goddess has practically raised him as a mother since the end of the Gay Wars.

The two flee into Gumba-infested Whorrayru Province, arriving near the town of Panacle Cove, which is currently being attacked by Sulkaris. They reunite with the combined Hylian and Whorrayru forces, and help devise a plan to liberate the town by agitating the local Arurodas in the middle of breeding season to attack the Gumba. The plan works, but Spazz inadvertently disturbs a Moldarach and is nearly killed, but with Aydia's aid manages to lure it to attack the Gumba. It is quickly killed by Sulkaris, who attacks the Hylians and Zora, effortlessly killing many of them and nearly slaying Spazz, before Liyer saves him by confronting Sulkaris. Spurred by another of Tetryalyna's visions, the army races to save the zora city of Greshou, trailing Sulkaris' hordes, while themselves unknowingly being tracked by another Wizzrobe army led by Liyer. On the way to Greshou, Spazz and Tetralyna share a peaceful moment, commenting on the ocean and foreshadowing the young Princess' future as leader of New Hyrule.

Abilities
Man of the People:

Civilian units within Spazz's aura gain +25% attack and +1 non-magic defense. Blood of God:

All infantry melee units in formation with Spazz gain +5 defense against non-magical attacks. Legendary Training:

When garrisoned inside a building, building trains batches of units +50% faster.

Bonuses
Unique Unit: Champion Knight - A powerful Commander unit that dramatically boosts the armor of all infantry Melee units in formation. Unique Tech:

Hyron Tactics - Ancient Codex of fighting tactics and fitness. Increases damage of all melee infantry by 10% and their HP by 20%.

Unique Passive:

Heir of God - Knight units are 10% cheaper to train.

Timeline

 * 1933 A.D - Spazz is born.
 * 1943 A.D - Spazz's mother and Uncle are killed in the fall of Hyrule Prime.


 * 1944 A.D - Spazz is inducted in the Order of the Wizzrobe.
 * 1945 A.D - Spazz is partnered with Whorra for his first assignment in the Gay desert.
 * 1947 A.D - Spazz is sent to live with the Children Worker.


 * 1949 A.D - Spazz is placed in stasis under Vigjaro Cathedral.
 * 1951 A.D - Spazz is released from stasis to defend Vigjaro from the Gumba.

Trivia

 * Spazz is the only remaining individual of Wind Tribe heritage known to exist.
 * In the Hyrule Historia Mission "SeeS of Conspiracy," Spazz's first line to Princess Codeman V is a reference to Spazz's "catchphrase" in the ill-received and short-lived Legend of Codeman cartoon series.